Updated: Jan 9
The coronavirus can keep us apart physically, but it can't stop us from being together. We will keep on celebrating birthdays virtually if that's what we gotta do. Just like we did last weekend.
In fact, the only barrier keeping us from celebrating the birthday aparty together wasn't the coronavirus or the internet connection. Dreadfully, the one to blame was our very own virtual host, J.T., who not only had his clock set to Peruvian time, as usual, but when he finally made an appearance at the Zoom meeting he also showed clear signs of being a bit tipsy after pool-partying all day long in the east wing of his mansion's garden.
"Excuse me, J.T, but you are late to start our virtual meeting. We all understand that hanging with your teenage kids makes you feel younger and more vigorous but now is time to get this conference started with your middle-aged friends," said an unidentified co-host on a conference call.
"Now, you idiot, get the f*#k out of that stupid boat of yours in the backyard and start the damn meeting!" said Maril A. right before hanging up. She is known for having zero tolerance for tardy individuals.
Eventually, J.T. was able to make it to his laptop and allowed the co-host into the meeting. Meanwhile, her phone was getting flooded with numerous notifications:
"Where is everybody else?" wondered J.T.
"They keep sending me messages. They are waiting for you to let them in!" she responded.
The same issue repeated itself throughout the night; guests kept arriving but no one would let them in. As many waited patiently to be allowed in the meeting, others desperately hoped to get out of it. Anyway, after a rough start what else could go wrong, right?!
Well, the truth is that some, just like our host, didn't wait for the aparty to start drinking. Instead, they arrived at the event already intoxicated; speaking loudly, interrupting and talking over everyone—creating a very hostile environment. However, I will get back to that later since now it's about time to focus on the birthday divas.
Once the birthday girls Vermudez, Cravila, and Rose arrived, a couple more guests arrived. Soon it was time for the invited to bestow gifts upon the celebrated. Vermudez was the first one. She got some wine. A beautiful wine glass soon came along. To top off both gifts, she also got an old running T-shirt from the host to wear as she gets wasted on her couch all by herself as she quarantines.
Cravila was even luckier since she got a door, a window, and lastly, a wall to place them both on! A pillow followed, probably to accommodate her brand-new gifts soon to be delivered: Ecos and Caroszco, kindly granted by Danlo and Vanija, respectively. In return, however, she had to surrender her beautiful (and only) wall painting to Rose who hoped to place it in a very special place and get inspired by it, probably while cleaning the brand-new kitchen Ecos gave her with the Lysol she received from host J.T. Too bad no one gave her paper towels! Maybe next time.
Soon after, it was time to sing Happy Birthday. The honorees made wishes and blew their candles. By the way, the cake was eaten entirely by J.T. who didn't offer any to the other guests, enraging Maril A. To protest, she stomped her feet all the way to her kitchen grabbing an unopened bag of potato chips, munching loudly in dissent.
To make her disapproval even clearer, she decided to tune in a LIVE broadcast on Instagram—while still a part of the meeting—by a very famous local DJ having a twerking contest. The competition seemed very inspiring to Disil who used his office chair arms to show some of his own moves. As a matter of principal, I will comment no further on the subject. At this point I am just glad he didn't submit his video . . . or, I assume he didn’t.
Instead, I would rather comment on the fact that Danlo became extremely envious of all the attention Raguila was getting due to his lustful poses, trying to compete with him. However, the contention ended pretty soon since every gentleman in the meeting became extremely distracted by the twerking contest still going on.
Caroszco, for example, was so distracted by the contest that he actually nodded when Vanija asked the group if any of the folks had been in touch with any of their exes since the quarantine began. Caroszco is Vanija's boyfriend.
We had to sing Happy Birthday again since many of the guests weren't admitted to the aparty during the first round. Given that, a second set of candles was lit up, and the only birthday gentleman, who refuses to disclose his name, was able to secretly enjoy the celebration while pretending it wasn't happening . . . Now Raguila, jealous of all the attention his fiancé was getting, removed himself from the shot for a moment.
In the meantime, Rose, who was extremely unhappy sharing her very special celebration with others, decided that it would be a good idea to hop on J.T.'s boat and head to the Canadian side of the border to get attention by showing off Detroit’s skyline—her native city.
Despite the windy conditions and her excitement at becoming the center of attention, she was also noticed by the Canadian Coast Guard who requested her documentation. We haven't heard from her since. Hope all is well, Rose!
When the subject is law enforcement, I can't help but recall how unfairly treated I was by some “friends.” My pals threatened to contact the local police department tip-off line and say I possibly committed a crime if I didn't present any evidence of my husband’s well-being.
"Nanda, we haven't seen or heard from Jodilo the entire week, specifically since he broke that bottle of olive oil fresh from the supermarket."
"We are severely concerned for his safety!" Raguila cried.
"Show us proof that he is alive!"
"Alive and well! He might be chained in the attic!" insisted J.T.
It wasn't until clear until evidence was presented that the subject and the threats were finally dropped. No apologies by card, letter, or social media post have been made to this day!
Another factor proving their poor judgment is the fact that absolutely no one considered contacting the police when Ecos, who looked nothing like an Equatorian birthday cake but more like a ghost, went to pick up Disil.
Later on, he ran out of the camera and returned with a carving knife, trying to virtually murder Disil next to him because wouldn't shut up. I was virtually stabbed a couple of times as well, since I was on Ecos other side, but it's all good. After all, we are all good friends here. Right?!
WRONG! We are all way too bored so we pretend to tolerate each other’s faces. Except for Frap. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E loves Frap!
"Where is Frap?" someone asked.
"I don't know. For some reason he didn't join the meeting." "Let's call him."
"Hello! If he didn't join the meeting it's because he has something more important to do!" common sense interjected.
"He was sleeping. He will join."
"See, I said so," replied the lone voice of common sense .
By the time Frap made it online it was already past 9:30; right about Aligri's bedtime. But since she spent most of the 90 minutes looking at some paperwork—apparently working is more entertaining and exciting than hanging with us—and the rest of her time drinking: one bottle of wine two glasses of water, and five cups of tea, she promptly left meeting after expressing how much she loves Frap, adores Frap and yada, yada, yada Frap . . .
Cravila took advantage of the commotion, and believing no one else could hear her, secretly invited Maril A. to hang out by the canal behind her house and meet some folks who have been swimming there. Before leaving, Aligri said she also would like to be invited to Cravila's swimming party as long as it wouldn't include piranhas, alligators or anacondas, which is more of Cravila's thing.
Dantinez wasn't invited to Cravila's backyard canal event but seemed very interested in the alligator part of the story. As a famous actor, he is always on the lookout for new and creative ways of disguising himself to stay safe, especially since he recently had a crazy fan banging on his car window asking him what he was doing at the liquor store. I guess the ponytail is just not enough of a disguise for him . . .
Frap, who clearly had tried to avoid the meeting, was already regretting waking up to join such a mess. However, as a good citizen, he provided guidance about the coronavirus to helpless individuals. It was all in vain though, given that Disil kept talking loudly over everybody who tried to speak.
Taking advantage of the host's inebriated behavior, Raguila was able to hack the meeting's control and mute Disil temporarily. By the time Disil realized no one could hear him, Frap was almost finished with the coronavirus Q&A session. And that is partially thanks to Nanda, who kept Disil distracted for a while by agreeing to whatever he had to say that no one could hear. After a while, probably tipped off by all the laughs, he turned his microphone back on.
It was midnight. Four hours into the party and there were still some with plenty to talk about, which is understandable, considering that it took the group over 45 minutes to take a single picture of the crew. But we did it! High-five, you guys!
Not sure why Aligri was trying to strangle Dantinez. Probably had something to do with Disil being too loud. Next time, put your chair outside, away from your computer, buddy!
I miss you guys! (Well, some of you.)
By the way, Dantinez, we can see you! Go check your teeth in a mirror, OK? Thank you!
On a nicer note, I can't wait to see you all again in person. Until the next aparty!!!
Happy birthday, Rose!
Today is YOUR day!
I hope I was able to make you smile!